Saturday, October 23, 2010


Lately has been the most shittiest times.

Sometimes I wish I could just get away with Riley from this hell hole. Just the two of us. It'd be so nice. I wouldn't have to listen to these fucking idiots. I wouldn't have to recieve such emotional/physical abuse. And I hate it. They don't understand me and I don't feel like they ever will.

For a young mom I am doing the best job I can with my son. I feed him, bathe him, play with him, sing to him, put him to sleep. And still it all just isn't enough. Still they try to bash me as a mom. They find their errors in me which really aren't there at all to begin with.

I hate the lines they fucking use. It just makes me want to pack up and get out. Stay out.

Countless times I tell them "Don't sleep Riley early because he will wake up later on all energized." And they never listen to me. NEVER, NOT FUCKING ONCE. But when he does wake up and refuses to sleep, who gets stuck with him?? I DO. Who get's stuck losing sleep?? I DO. And I do it for my son. I try to sleep him at different times and if I feel like he won't I just allow him to play for a bit more. Until he tires himself out. But they don't see it as that. They see it as I'm being a bad mom for staying up with my son until he's ready to fall asleep again.

In all truth, in all reality, Riley does have a sleeping schedule. Maybe not the one that suits their fucking standards. But it suits Rileys and mines. He goes to sleep around 12 or sometimes 1. It isn't that horrible. And a lot of times the earliest will be 11. Why do I do this? So that Riley can have some time with his grandfather whom works a whole lot. Because 1. Riley doesn't have a father figure in his life. 2. My dad is basically playing the role as his dad.
And that being said...I give him that time to see my dad. I'm not being selfish at all. Atleast it doesn't seem to be that way to me.

I don't have much friends at all. To be blunt, just about 3. Whenever it is, Michelle or Barbie we usually just stay at my house, with Riley. We plan things around Riley. Wether it be the park or mall..or something simple like a movie or chit chat at the house. On rare occasions...and I mean SERIOUSLY RARE I do get out of the house once in a blue moon on my own. My family of course babysits Riley. Before I leave they always give me such negative comments. I try not to let it ruin my night. ( Mind you I'll leave the house around 7pm - 8pm and I'll come home 10:30-11PM Latest. ) Not gone too long. And no matter what happens in that short amount of time, no matter what type of mood I'm in...the minute I get home it becomes back to being soo fucking damaging. "It's about time. Take your son now because he drives me fucking crazy.- Blah Blah Blah." I WAS ONLY GONE FOR A FEW HOURS. And when I ask them to babysit I don't like the fact that they say stuff along those lines. If you don't want to babysit for me then don't do it. If you know you're going to fucking complain about my son.. THEN DON'T FUCKING DO IT. I really don't see the point in having a social life anymore. I really don't. Not that I have one anyways. But I try. For the sanity of myself. Every car ride is a living nightmare. And sometimes I also wonder why I even bothered getting in the car. I go to get out of the house for abit, with Riley of course sitting next to me in the carseat. I get out so that I don't have to stare at four walls constantly. So that I can see the world and admire it's beauty. But there's never really any beauty to it anyways when theres always just negative talk about me and my life.

My grandmother always finds a way to start an arguement with me or about me.

Same as my mother. And when she gets the chance to hit/choke/whatever it may be she goes full force.

My sister likes to expect shit from me such as borrowing shit but when I ask in return there's never any sharing. Not to mention she does a lot of shit talking as well as everyone in my family.

I don't have a relationship with my grandfather anymore. And personally, I don't give a fuck. I've tried so many times. I quit. He's just a selfish old fucking bastard of a man.

My dad. Yes, he maintains me & my son. But I don't feel any type of love. There's no conversations. And not to mention never really was fair when it came down to material shit like a car.

I don't have much relationships with my aunts. None of them to be exact.

Ash, I love dearly. But let's face it.. there's not much I can say to an 11 year old.

I'm all alone.

I can't wait to make something better out of myself with this education and hopefully future job choice. I need the money to move out. To move away. Far away from everyone and start fresh. Just my son and I. My little spartan...

He is the only person I truely love. The only person I truely need.

Fuck my family for saying he's better off with the fucking asshole. I FUCKING HATE THAT. I HATE THEM. They will regret it one day. They really really will.

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