Waiting for the sign off.

So recently I've come to realization that if ever anything was to happen to me that Riley wouldn't stay with my family but be sent off to his sperm-donor of a father. And I don't ever want that to happen. I can't imagine sending off my own flesh and blood into a situation or a type of life style where he clearly isn't wanted. And that is what stresses me out to the extreme.

So I've made it clear that so long as I'm alive and I have every will power to fight, I will fight for my son's right's & custody. I don't care what the extent is that I have to take.

My family and I have decided to speak to my lawyer soon so that he can hopefully guide us into the direction of either him speaking to or sending a letter to Ryan stating to give up his rights. Or for me to gain the courage to speak to him and convince him well enough to hand over the rights. Or simply just go to court. In my defense and in my son's defense... I would rather much love it if Ryan did give up his rights without any problems, but again who know's. I don't want it to come down to court. I don't feel that it is a kid's place...in life. But if it is what it has to come down to then absolutely am I willing to go to court.

I love my son with every inch of my body, heart, soul, & mind. And I only want what's good for him. I want what is best for him in the end. And I know that if I can get rid of the problem earlier on in life then there isn't a reason to come back to it unless he, when he's older, ask's me. Mind you, I don't ever have a problem with telling who his birth father is...but I honestly don't see the point in it.

Obhama said something like... any fool can have a kid. But it's up to the man to step up to the plate and have the courage to be a father to that child.

Having a kid doesn't instantly make you a parent. It's the amount of love and effection and effort you put into that kid's day...into that kid's life.. that make's you his/her parent. A parent is someone whom you can look up to no matter what sitatuon your in. A parent is someone who is willing to do anything for their child. Someone who loves them to the extreme without any regrets in life or any problems. A child should never ever be a void in someone's life. They should be a GIFT. And yes, that's what they are.

A child is a gift from god. A sign from the heavens and earth that this is reason why you were put on this earth. And I know that feeling.

As much as Riley drives me insane with his active little mind & body...I LOVE HIM. I love every part of him. He is what makes me whole and I can't see myself without him. I don't know where I'd end up without him. He is my true connection to this earth. He is the bond to my heart. He is in the end.. what truely mended my heart and gave me the strength & the power to do what's right for us.

Because it is true. Any old fool can have a baby and not give a damn for it. Not love it. Get rid of it in some shape or form. And having a baby doesn't give you the rights to him/her. It's the relationship you form with that infant that makes everything worth wild. That give's you the title of parental or guardin.

In the end, I just want full custody. I don't ever want to think about what would happen if my son went to Virginia. I would stress it so much... on how he would be treated. If he would even be noticed by his own father. If he'd be loved and cared for. I would hate to find that my son would be treated like crap. I would hate to know that he would be treated as a worthless little thing in this world.

MY SON ISN'T WORTHLESS. He may be to Ryan. But he sure isn't worthless to me.

I can only hope and pray that all ends well. Because I want my child for me. For myself and not for any piece of scum that's out there.

I want what's best for my child. And in the case of something happening to me, I know for a fact, and I know from the bottom of my heart that Riley would be better off under the care of my parents, my family. Afterall we are the one's who have been there through thick and thin. We are the one's who gave our blood, sweat, and tears. We were the only ones in that hospital for days hoping that my little angel would get better. Even when he did come home, we still had the continous trips to the hospitals to make sure that everything was all right. We are the ones who pay for what is needed. Who pay for his medical bills and his daily essentials.

His sperm-donor of a father and the rest of the family from Ryan's side hasn't ever put anything into Riley's life. Yes, Ryan has. But only 9 times out of the entire time Riley has been alive. And that is nothing. THAT IS WORTHLESS.

He doesn't help or pitch in anymore. He doesn't give me anything for child support. He doesn't even bother wanting to talk, call, e-mail, IM or text...anything about his son. And when he was given the chance to talk to his son within this month of May, he ran out like a pussy. It clearly shows what type of a man...NO. What type of an ASSHOLE of a BOY he is.

I will fight for my son. No doubt.

Simply Spiritual.

So lately I've been thinking of becoming spiritual, or more spiritual with myself. I've always loved the ideas of buddha's and the statues of course. So why not, right?

I love the idea of being free within myself and having an energy of light as a person. I can be a really good whole-hearted person. I just need to learn how to relax my anger. But other than that I'm at one with myself. I may not love myself entirely, self-image, that is but I'm getting there. it takes a lot of heart to fall in love with yourself, rather than someone else. And I know for a fact that I'm still learning. Still learning to accept, cope, love, and appreciate.

Don't get me wrong..I appreciate everything I have in life, including my son. But I don't appreciate myself. I think it takes a lot of esteem to do that. And self-esteem is what I lack of.

Who doesn't love nature after all though....really. Flower's, tree's, animals, earth, nature itself is just truely so beautiful.

So it's time to go, it's time to go away.

It's funny how it's easier to fall in hate then fall in love.

However when you find someone you fell in love with, it's so much harder to even forget or not to feel those type of feelings for that person anymore. I don't think that anyone could ever not be in love with their first true love. There would always be this feeling there. This emptiness that won't go away. I won't say it's like there's a whole in my heart. But there certainly is a change.

And I find that talking about you only makes things so much clearer and so much more I guess... self-aware of how much I was into you.

There will always be a difinate "what if" in my head... but let's just face it, I don't think if you were to ever come back that I would instantly accept you.

If you were to ever have a change of heart, time will tell. Yes, I'm so in love with you and will always be in love with you...but I don't think I could ever forgive you for what you've done. I did the ultimate thing in life that I really never thought I would do. And to think, I did it all for a silly almost summer like type of love.

I hate finding someone new... or atleast trying to find someone to replace those types of feelings. But nothing seems to go away. It's like your implanted in my brain and in my heart. When I'm with someone else, I can easily go from having a great time to thinking how much of you is incorporated into the person I'm around. For instance... how they act, if they act like you. If they kiss like you. That drives me nuts. To kiss someone who almost kisses exactly like you. It's like I melt twice as fast and I become so vulnerable to that person because there's a YOU inside of him. And with my eyes close.. it makes it all so much easier. I'll sometimes forget who I'm kissing and I'll think it's you. But then when I open my eyes... everything seems to fade. And I'm left with this guilt...this loneliness. And it hurts.

Brian Weiss said.. in order to move on and not have the same people in your next life that you have to love and forgive them. Have no remorse. And I can honestly say that I just can't.

In ways, I think it's because I'd rather have you in my life then to not have you at all. And the "what if's" come to my head. What if in another life we become man and wife. And that we're the most happiest couple you can ever imagine. What if we have our kid in that life time... what if everything seems to become a perfect exsistance that I don't ever want to let go of.

I think that I would rather have that chance, that opportunity to try everything all over again with you. In hopes that the circumstances and outcome are totally different from this life-time.

But then again when I think of the amount of hatred I have towards you..it's like I want to find a way to forgive you for what you've done to me... to us. I want to have that security in my head that it won't ever happen to me again. That I won't have to give up what I want the most. That I won't have to put up with your pathetic childness bullshit.

I almost feel as if I'm a human yo-yo. I don't know where my mind-set is. And it's all because of you.I'm still not okay with what happened. I still won't accept that it did happen. Because when I get that chance to see you in my dreams.. or in my memories... it's when I'm most happy. And yet at the same time... sad.

How many more years will I have to endure to get over you...When will I get over you...Will I end up marrying someone different.. and still be thinking of you.Will I marry someone just because he resembles you.

My heart sinks just by the thought of you. I'm still in love with you... and I think I'll ALWAYS be IN LOVE with you. Let's face it... you were the only person in my life that I was in love with.

You showed me what it was to care for someone and to be cared for back. To love & to be loved back. You were the one that I could tell anything to, deepest secrets, embarrassing things to. And I wouldn't care.. because I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU. And still.... I wait.

Patiently for the outcome of the future. If you were to ever come here and prove to me that you're not in it for yourself or for what I think you'd be in it for.. then yes, I would accept you. I would start off with just a friendship. In hopes that you could prove to me your loyal and willing to fight for what we had back then. I would fight.... all over again for what we had. Because I still have the will. I still have the strength in me to hope for the best. But if it's too late, then I guess we'll have to part.

And I will have to say my sorry's. Life... sucks.