Saturday, October 23, 2010


Lately has been the most shittiest times.

Sometimes I wish I could just get away with Riley from this hell hole. Just the two of us. It'd be so nice. I wouldn't have to listen to these fucking idiots. I wouldn't have to recieve such emotional/physical abuse. And I hate it. They don't understand me and I don't feel like they ever will.

For a young mom I am doing the best job I can with my son. I feed him, bathe him, play with him, sing to him, put him to sleep. And still it all just isn't enough. Still they try to bash me as a mom. They find their errors in me which really aren't there at all to begin with.

I hate the lines they fucking use. It just makes me want to pack up and get out. Stay out.

Countless times I tell them "Don't sleep Riley early because he will wake up later on all energized." And they never listen to me. NEVER, NOT FUCKING ONCE. But when he does wake up and refuses to sleep, who gets stuck with him?? I DO. Who get's stuck losing sleep?? I DO. And I do it for my son. I try to sleep him at different times and if I feel like he won't I just allow him to play for a bit more. Until he tires himself out. But they don't see it as that. They see it as I'm being a bad mom for staying up with my son until he's ready to fall asleep again.

In all truth, in all reality, Riley does have a sleeping schedule. Maybe not the one that suits their fucking standards. But it suits Rileys and mines. He goes to sleep around 12 or sometimes 1. It isn't that horrible. And a lot of times the earliest will be 11. Why do I do this? So that Riley can have some time with his grandfather whom works a whole lot. Because 1. Riley doesn't have a father figure in his life. 2. My dad is basically playing the role as his dad.
And that being said...I give him that time to see my dad. I'm not being selfish at all. Atleast it doesn't seem to be that way to me.

I don't have much friends at all. To be blunt, just about 3. Whenever it is, Michelle or Barbie we usually just stay at my house, with Riley. We plan things around Riley. Wether it be the park or mall..or something simple like a movie or chit chat at the house. On rare occasions...and I mean SERIOUSLY RARE I do get out of the house once in a blue moon on my own. My family of course babysits Riley. Before I leave they always give me such negative comments. I try not to let it ruin my night. ( Mind you I'll leave the house around 7pm - 8pm and I'll come home 10:30-11PM Latest. ) Not gone too long. And no matter what happens in that short amount of time, no matter what type of mood I'm in...the minute I get home it becomes back to being soo fucking damaging. "It's about time. Take your son now because he drives me fucking crazy.- Blah Blah Blah." I WAS ONLY GONE FOR A FEW HOURS. And when I ask them to babysit I don't like the fact that they say stuff along those lines. If you don't want to babysit for me then don't do it. If you know you're going to fucking complain about my son.. THEN DON'T FUCKING DO IT. I really don't see the point in having a social life anymore. I really don't. Not that I have one anyways. But I try. For the sanity of myself. Every car ride is a living nightmare. And sometimes I also wonder why I even bothered getting in the car. I go to get out of the house for abit, with Riley of course sitting next to me in the carseat. I get out so that I don't have to stare at four walls constantly. So that I can see the world and admire it's beauty. But there's never really any beauty to it anyways when theres always just negative talk about me and my life.

My grandmother always finds a way to start an arguement with me or about me.

Same as my mother. And when she gets the chance to hit/choke/whatever it may be she goes full force.

My sister likes to expect shit from me such as borrowing shit but when I ask in return there's never any sharing. Not to mention she does a lot of shit talking as well as everyone in my family.

I don't have a relationship with my grandfather anymore. And personally, I don't give a fuck. I've tried so many times. I quit. He's just a selfish old fucking bastard of a man.

My dad. Yes, he maintains me & my son. But I don't feel any type of love. There's no conversations. And not to mention never really was fair when it came down to material shit like a car.

I don't have much relationships with my aunts. None of them to be exact.

Ash, I love dearly. But let's face it.. there's not much I can say to an 11 year old.

I'm all alone.

I can't wait to make something better out of myself with this education and hopefully future job choice. I need the money to move out. To move away. Far away from everyone and start fresh. Just my son and I. My little spartan...

He is the only person I truely love. The only person I truely need.

Fuck my family for saying he's better off with the fucking asshole. I FUCKING HATE THAT. I HATE THEM. They will regret it one day. They really really will.

Monday, August 2, 2010

new loneliness

So recently I've spoken to my son's father's sister and she has become the type of person that I'm starting to think I might get frusterated with. She's had about 3 different partners that she's had kids with. The father of her oldest son ( who she claims to be her best friend. ), two almost teenagers( an ex convict..whom she had just recently made up with and has become best friends with as well.), then her youngest child..who's father she is actually dating at the moment. The time that I have spent with her in person, never did she once see or speak with them. And she aboslutely hated the father who was an inmate. But by a miracle now.. she believes that being best friends with the fathers is the up-most best solution for anyone's life. She claims she's at her best and is at peace with everything.

WRONG. That may be her style of life but it isn't at all mine. I've come to peace with how my life is and what my current situation is. Single & with the best thing that has happened to me; my son without having to be best friends with anyone.

The father of my son has yet to even appologize, speak to me, ask about his son, pay child support, or even put up any effort to see him or speak to him. As I recall, when he was given the chance to speak to my son he ran away and acted like a typical no good jerk.

Yes, I've come to peace and have no grudges against him for what he has done to our lives..but never would I even think of becoming best friends with a delinquent. There's no reason to. My son is better off and will remain better off. I mean, he already has his last what more.
To be honest, the only reason why I've come to terms and have come to peace and forgiven the ass is because in the books I love reading ( which deals with regressions, the past, memories, forgiveness, & so on so forth. ) the author states that if you want to move on from the situation your in right now & not have the people you've come to bad terms with so that it doesn't reoccur or they come appear in your next life, you must be at peace with everything. You must forgive them even without them having to appologize. That I've accomplished.

And in my own ways, I'm at peace with my life and with myself. I've grown strong, firm, & I've become a great believer of KARMA.

Who needs the mess when you've got the best in your current life...seriously.

If I was to ever even think of making up with my son's father, I know that things would be absolutely complicated. And complications isn't what I want in life. So therefore I think I'll remain the person I am and remain firm in my decision.

My decision is to definately take him to court one day, or hopefully somehow solve my problems without even having to appear in court. Either way, eliminate his rights. And have full custody without having any share time or any visitations.

After all it is he who destroyed my son's future. He was the one who left my son without his true father. All for stupidity. Now my son will probably grow up thinking he wasn't good enough. WHICH I HOPE WITH ALL MY HEART THAT NEVER HAPPENS. What parent wants their child to be sad and have to be thinking that he isn't worth the time or effort of being special to his father or even having a place in his own father's heart.

I know for a fact that I will raise my son with the most amazing amount of love, effection, & attention I have for him. We will be at our happiest. And I'll do whatever it is I need to do to keep my child closest to me and my heart. He is my heart. My feeling of warmth and home. Without him I am no one & nothing.

And in the end...we are ultimately fine on our own without the delinquients help.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Waiting for the sign off.

So recently I've come to realization that if ever anything was to happen to me that Riley wouldn't stay with my family but be sent off to his sperm-donor of a father. And I don't ever want that to happen. I can't imagine sending off my own flesh and blood into a situation or a type of life style where he clearly isn't wanted. And that is what stresses me out to the extreme.

So I've made it clear that so long as I'm alive and I have every will power to fight, I will fight for my son's right's & custody. I don't care what the extent is that I have to take.

My family and I have decided to speak to my lawyer soon so that he can hopefully guide us into the direction of either him speaking to or sending a letter to Ryan stating to give up his rights. Or for me to gain the courage to speak to him and convince him well enough to hand over the rights. Or simply just go to court. In my defense and in my son's defense... I would rather much love it if Ryan did give up his rights without any problems, but again who know's. I don't want it to come down to court. I don't feel that it is a kid's life. But if it is what it has to come down to then absolutely am I willing to go to court.

I love my son with every inch of my body, heart, soul, & mind. And I only want what's good for him. I want what is best for him in the end. And I know that if I can get rid of the problem earlier on in life then there isn't a reason to come back to it unless he, when he's older, ask's me. Mind you, I don't ever have a problem with telling who his birth father is...but I honestly don't see the point in it.

Obhama said something like... any fool can have a kid. But it's up to the man to step up to the plate and have the courage to be a father to that child.

Having a kid doesn't instantly make you a parent. It's the amount of love and effection and effort you put into that kid's day...into that kid's life.. that make's you his/her parent. A parent is someone whom you can look up to no matter what sitatuon your in. A parent is someone who is willing to do anything for their child. Someone who loves them to the extreme without any regrets in life or any problems. A child should never ever be a void in someone's life. They should be a GIFT. And yes, that's what they are.

A child is a gift from god. A sign from the heavens and earth that this is reason why you were put on this earth. And I know that feeling.

As much as Riley drives me insane with his active little mind & body...I LOVE HIM. I love every part of him. He is what makes me whole and I can't see myself without him. I don't know where I'd end up without him. He is my true connection to this earth. He is the bond to my heart. He is in the end.. what truely mended my heart and gave me the strength & the power to do what's right for us.

Because it is true. Any old fool can have a baby and not give a damn for it. Not love it. Get rid of it in some shape or form. And having a baby doesn't give you the rights to him/her. It's the relationship you form with that infant that makes everything worth wild. That give's you the title of parental or guardin.

In the end, I just want full custody. I don't ever want to think about what would happen if my son went to Virginia. I would stress it so much... on how he would be treated. If he would even be noticed by his own father. If he'd be loved and cared for. I would hate to find that my son would be treated like crap. I would hate to know that he would be treated as a worthless little thing in this world.

MY SON ISN'T WORTHLESS. He may be to Ryan. But he sure isn't worthless to me.

I can only hope and pray that all ends well. Because I want my child for me. For myself and not for any piece of scum that's out there.

I want what's best for my child. And in the case of something happening to me, I know for a fact, and I know from the bottom of my heart that Riley would be better off under the care of my parents, my family. Afterall we are the one's who have been there through thick and thin. We are the one's who gave our blood, sweat, and tears. We were the only ones in that hospital for days hoping that my little angel would get better. Even when he did come home, we still had the continous trips to the hospitals to make sure that everything was all right. We are the ones who pay for what is needed. Who pay for his medical bills and his daily essentials.

His sperm-donor of a father and the rest of the family from Ryan's side hasn't ever put anything into Riley's life. Yes, Ryan has. But only 9 times out of the entire time Riley has been alive. And that is nothing. THAT IS WORTHLESS.

He doesn't help or pitch in anymore. He doesn't give me anything for child support. He doesn't even bother wanting to talk, call, e-mail, IM or text...anything about his son. And when he was given the chance to talk to his son within this month of May, he ran out like a pussy. It clearly shows what type of a man...NO. What type of an ASSHOLE of a BOY he is.

I will fight for my son. No doubt.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Simply Spiritual.

So lately I've been thinking of becoming spiritual, or more spiritual with myself. I've always loved the ideas of buddha's and the statues of course. So why not, right?

I love the idea of being free within myself and having an energy of light as a person. I can be a really good whole-hearted person. I just need to learn how to relax my anger. But other than that I'm at one with myself. I may not love myself entirely, self-image, that is but I'm getting there. it takes a lot of heart to fall in love with yourself, rather than someone else. And I know for a fact that I'm still learning. Still learning to accept, cope, love, and appreciate.

Don't get me wrong..I appreciate everything I have in life, including my son. But I don't appreciate myself. I think it takes a lot of esteem to do that. And self-esteem is what I lack of.

Who doesn't love nature after all though....really. Flower's, tree's, animals, earth, nature itself is just truely so beautiful.

So it's time to go, it's time to go away.

It's funny how it's easier to fall in hate then fall in love.

However when you find someone you fell in love with, it's so much harder to even forget or not to feel those type of feelings for that person anymore. I don't think that anyone could ever not be in love with their first true love. There would always be this feeling there. This emptiness that won't go away. I won't say it's like there's a whole in my heart. But there certainly is a change.

And I find that talking about you only makes things so much clearer and so much more I guess... self-aware of how much I was into you.

There will always be a difinate "what if" in my head... but let's just face it, I don't think if you were to ever come back that I would instantly accept you.

If you were to ever have a change of heart, time will tell. Yes, I'm so in love with you and will always be in love with you...but I don't think I could ever forgive you for what you've done. I did the ultimate thing in life that I really never thought I would do. And to think, I did it all for a silly almost summer like type of love.

I hate finding someone new... or atleast trying to find someone to replace those types of feelings. But nothing seems to go away. It's like your implanted in my brain and in my heart. When I'm with someone else, I can easily go from having a great time to thinking how much of you is incorporated into the person I'm around. For instance... how they act, if they act like you. If they kiss like you. That drives me nuts. To kiss someone who almost kisses exactly like you. It's like I melt twice as fast and I become so vulnerable to that person because there's a YOU inside of him. And with my eyes close.. it makes it all so much easier. I'll sometimes forget who I'm kissing and I'll think it's you. But then when I open my eyes... everything seems to fade. And I'm left with this guilt...this loneliness. And it hurts.

Brian Weiss said.. in order to move on and not have the same people in your next life that you have to love and forgive them. Have no remorse. And I can honestly say that I just can't.

In ways, I think it's because I'd rather have you in my life then to not have you at all. And the "what if's" come to my head. What if in another life we become man and wife. And that we're the most happiest couple you can ever imagine. What if we have our kid in that life time... what if everything seems to become a perfect exsistance that I don't ever want to let go of.

I think that I would rather have that chance, that opportunity to try everything all over again with you. In hopes that the circumstances and outcome are totally different from this life-time.

But then again when I think of the amount of hatred I have towards's like I want to find a way to forgive you for what you've done to me... to us. I want to have that security in my head that it won't ever happen to me again. That I won't have to give up what I want the most. That I won't have to put up with your pathetic childness bullshit.

I almost feel as if I'm a human yo-yo. I don't know where my mind-set is. And it's all because of you.I'm still not okay with what happened. I still won't accept that it did happen. Because when I get that chance to see you in my dreams.. or in my memories... it's when I'm most happy. And yet at the same time... sad.

How many more years will I have to endure to get over you...When will I get over you...Will I end up marrying someone different.. and still be thinking of you.Will I marry someone just because he resembles you.

My heart sinks just by the thought of you. I'm still in love with you... and I think I'll ALWAYS be IN LOVE with you. Let's face it... you were the only person in my life that I was in love with.

You showed me what it was to care for someone and to be cared for back. To love & to be loved back. You were the one that I could tell anything to, deepest secrets, embarrassing things to. And I wouldn't care.. because I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU. And still.... I wait.

Patiently for the outcome of the future. If you were to ever come here and prove to me that you're not in it for yourself or for what I think you'd be in it for.. then yes, I would accept you. I would start off with just a friendship. In hopes that you could prove to me your loyal and willing to fight for what we had back then. I would fight.... all over again for what we had. Because I still have the will. I still have the strength in me to hope for the best. But if it's too late, then I guess we'll have to part.

And I will have to say my sorry's. Life... sucks.