Tuesday, May 25, 2010

So it's time to go, it's time to go away.

It's funny how it's easier to fall in hate then fall in love.

However when you find someone you fell in love with, it's so much harder to even forget or not to feel those type of feelings for that person anymore. I don't think that anyone could ever not be in love with their first true love. There would always be this feeling there. This emptiness that won't go away. I won't say it's like there's a whole in my heart. But there certainly is a change.

And I find that talking about you only makes things so much clearer and so much more I guess... self-aware of how much I was into you.

There will always be a difinate "what if" in my head... but let's just face it, I don't think if you were to ever come back that I would instantly accept you.

If you were to ever have a change of heart, time will tell. Yes, I'm so in love with you and will always be in love with you...but I don't think I could ever forgive you for what you've done. I did the ultimate thing in life that I really never thought I would do. And to think, I did it all for a silly almost summer like type of love.

I hate finding someone new... or atleast trying to find someone to replace those types of feelings. But nothing seems to go away. It's like your implanted in my brain and in my heart. When I'm with someone else, I can easily go from having a great time to thinking how much of you is incorporated into the person I'm around. For instance... how they act, if they act like you. If they kiss like you. That drives me nuts. To kiss someone who almost kisses exactly like you. It's like I melt twice as fast and I become so vulnerable to that person because there's a YOU inside of him. And with my eyes close.. it makes it all so much easier. I'll sometimes forget who I'm kissing and I'll think it's you. But then when I open my eyes... everything seems to fade. And I'm left with this guilt...this loneliness. And it hurts.

Brian Weiss said.. in order to move on and not have the same people in your next life that you have to love and forgive them. Have no remorse. And I can honestly say that I just can't.

In ways, I think it's because I'd rather have you in my life then to not have you at all. And the "what if's" come to my head. What if in another life we become man and wife. And that we're the most happiest couple you can ever imagine. What if we have our kid in that life time... what if everything seems to become a perfect exsistance that I don't ever want to let go of.

I think that I would rather have that chance, that opportunity to try everything all over again with you. In hopes that the circumstances and outcome are totally different from this life-time.

But then again when I think of the amount of hatred I have towards you..it's like I want to find a way to forgive you for what you've done to me... to us. I want to have that security in my head that it won't ever happen to me again. That I won't have to give up what I want the most. That I won't have to put up with your pathetic childness bullshit.

I almost feel as if I'm a human yo-yo. I don't know where my mind-set is. And it's all because of you.I'm still not okay with what happened. I still won't accept that it did happen. Because when I get that chance to see you in my dreams.. or in my memories... it's when I'm most happy. And yet at the same time... sad.

How many more years will I have to endure to get over you...When will I get over you...Will I end up marrying someone different.. and still be thinking of you.Will I marry someone just because he resembles you.

My heart sinks just by the thought of you. I'm still in love with you... and I think I'll ALWAYS be IN LOVE with you. Let's face it... you were the only person in my life that I was in love with.

You showed me what it was to care for someone and to be cared for back. To love & to be loved back. You were the one that I could tell anything to, deepest secrets, embarrassing things to. And I wouldn't care.. because I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU. And still.... I wait.

Patiently for the outcome of the future. If you were to ever come here and prove to me that you're not in it for yourself or for what I think you'd be in it for.. then yes, I would accept you. I would start off with just a friendship. In hopes that you could prove to me your loyal and willing to fight for what we had back then. I would fight.... all over again for what we had. Because I still have the will. I still have the strength in me to hope for the best. But if it's too late, then I guess we'll have to part.

And I will have to say my sorry's. Life... sucks.

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